You think you may know all there is to know about me .... But I have to be honest now and tell you the truth...
You look into my eyes and you think you know just what is there. But there is so much more that I hide that you just wouldn't believe is true.
After a long day and you ask me just how I am... I will be sure to tell you," I am just fine",for that's easy for you to hear even if it's a lie.
Even if everything inside me hurts more and more. I feel weak from the exhaustion. Dizzy from the constant tachycardia. I drank so much water that I should be peeing for a year, yet it only helps my blood pressure some.
You see me smile always for it's become my shield of strength. For it's so much easier to look at the happy things and stay focused on that... than the truth of thinking about just how my body does really feel.
I am not a negative nelly , and I promised myself I never would be. I fill my head with personal development daily just to adjust to what has become reality.
I cry every day now, not because I am clinically depressed ... but because this has become my bodies release to know that it's ok for me to feel.
I push through exercise atleast 5-6 times a week for 30 minutes a day , even when I feel like I am dying from the chest pain to get through it when the dizziness and numbness takes over everything I feel. Somedays that 30 minutes of exercise may be the only thing I can do. There are days that 30 minutes of exercise takes me a hour to complete for the constant breaks I have to take for my body is just so weak.But I know I have to, for my health needs it to keep being stronger than I feel.
When I wake in the morning , I hear my first alarm sound for me to start chugging water so my feet can hit the ground. I drink and drink till those 64 ounces of water are gone. Then I doze in and out of sleep till that second alarm rings on. That second alarm rings and for a second I pretend, this is all a dream for it can't be this kind of day again.
As I stand for the first time each day, I feel so many symptoms hit in a moment, that just takes one step to activate everything all over again that I know just what is real.
Somedays I may not shower or look my best... for it's just to exhausting to take my energy to do all of that. I don't let myself get stinky so I feel that's good enough. I know I look rough but please understand the amount of energy I use with every single step is a marathon most.
I don't always keep a clean house , up with the laundry, or keep organized. And having to sit there seeing it brings tears to my eyes. I want to do it all, but I know I just can't .
For this day and everyday I have to choose what to do, for my energy is limited and I have to stay focused on what brings joy to my life.
My kids are growing right before my eyes. I do as much as I can for them. And they are always so thankful. My babies compassion for me & life shines through each day. As they just lay with mama for they know she can't go anymore that day.
I walk my babies to the bus each day. It's not far at all but I can barely make it most days as I am at the end of the driveway bent down to the ground. Praying silently I don't faint one more time before the bus picks them up. The kids wave and blow me kisses as the bus drives away. And in that moment I feel so blessed to have them and I know it's going to be a lonely day.
I walk into the house each day with 2 beagles wagging their tail. I grab my coffee and back to the couch I go. For I know it's Netflix and rest for me until I can try to work up the energy to do another thing that day.
I work my blog for a bit not long at all for somedays I just can't focus & my vision feels gone. As I check into my groups each day . As I am thankful to say , it keeps me going in life to have the empowerment and people around me even if it's a click away.
I make time for Facebook each day, for it's my way to the outside world as I am in these walls most days. It took a big change to go from being around people all day at the hospital at my old job to where I am today. I am at home and that's where I stay, and it's not that I don't want to go do things ... I do I just don't have the energy to pay.
I make special plans from time to time, prepping for it for days ahead... for just that few hour event , may take my body 3 days to recover for it just took to much from my body to try to act normal.
I come home and fall apart to rebuild myself up again. As the moments are passing by I sometimes forget the day it is, for each day seems the same.
I set reminders now for my brain just doesn't soak up the information as I feel it did once upon a time. So please if I forget something try to understand I would never do anything to hurt you, I just forgot today.
I feel overwhelmed sometimes when we are in public for it's just so much around me that I almost feel ashamed. I don't want to faint in public or for anyone to see just how differently my body is now from chronic illness hit me.
When I say I am tired, please know the truth. I just need to stop fighting my body and regroup.
They say my illnesses are invisible but I won't let that be true. For I share my life with others for it's my voice I have to share and care of what is important to me and become so true.
I enjoy spending my special moments helping others that I am working with online & the rest with my family for this has become my purpose to push through this all.
I have found humor in things that my not seem funny to others but somehow to me. Laughing about it , has become my way to be. It may not be funny to ones who don't understand, but if you saw though my eyes for I moment I know you would know, just where I am coming from.
When I have those days that I feel like everything in my power has been taken from me, you may hear me snap. For I lose my shit too for I am still human and all. But I know things are just things. I have learned that money means nothing if your health isn't here to stay. I see this now more than ever and it's still hard to adjust to each day. I feel guilt from my high medical bills when I see them come in the mail each day. I see it all pile up and I know one by one we will make them go away.
I have big dreams ahead of me that feel exhausting just to think about. But I know they may take more time than I thought , but that won't make me give up.
This could go on and on I am sure. But in another blog post for I am sure for there more to come.
You see it's not always black and white like you may think. But I ask you to love all of me for being me. I am not broken though it may seem that way. I am honestly still just trying to adjust to my life and rebuilding it around my illnesses you see.
I have been telling you little white lies along the way and I ask you to forgive me today. For I guess I just never wanted to tell you for I don't want pitty, or I am Sorry's... I just want warm hugs, kind voices and love around me to try to understand , for I am not the same me I used to be but I will always be ok.
I know some say illnesses feel like a curse and I do understand that view . But I don't want to view it that way for I want to just keep trying each day to embrace all the things in life thay I can enjoy each day. Quality of life is a pricesless treasure this I know is true. It's just I am still adjusting to this all even though it's been 3 years, it feels so new.
Please take the time to try to understand what you can't see for each person like me might have their own white lies to say... but if you listen closely I bet you will know the secrets we hide each day.
Regardless how my life is different today, from what it once was . I am one blessed wife and mama with happiness on the way. For each day is a new adventure for me with chronic illnesses always being a part of me.